Mom continues to worsen. She was coming along nicely at rehab until they took her off of the antibiotic for c.diff. The infection returned, she had a seizure, and we’ve added a UTI and possible pneumonia. She is back in the hospital. They are replacing her current antibiotic with a much stronger one and getting a doctor from infectious diseases to consult.
My leaving the hospital is dangerous for her - the seizure information did not travel with her from rehab, her history somehow shows a prior stroke when she never had one, and they have a DNR order on file when instead she should be full code. I’m afraid to even go down the hall to the bathroom.
I watch her now as her body twitches under the bright white hospital sheets. Her mouth is open and dry; her bald head sweaty and cold. And I think - this is what we’ve come to and in such a short time. Three month ago she was walking on her own, still giving me lip, delighting at my husband’s attention, downing her double cheeseburgers with gusto. And now her speech is slurred, she can barely move and I have to beg her to eat a banana.
I am reminded again how the one thing we can count on in life is change; that it is futile to cling to any one state. Even her current medical condition will be temporary – she will either get better or worse. So I strive to stay unattached, to float above what is happening; to report the facts with accuracy and keep everyone on track, but to not get swallowed with emotion. I’m doomed if I do. And if I’m doomed, Ma has no chance.