Thursday, May 20, 2010

I Have Never Been So Fickle

I have never been so uncertain or so fickle. Why am I drawn to write about what is causing me so much pain? It’s like being told in a restaurant, "watch the plate, it’s hot," only to wrap my fingers around it just to be certain. Or like knowing a piece of chocolate is going to start me on a migraine and shoving it in my mouth anyway.

But God help me, I’ve been missing writing about my life as a daughter. I’ve been missing sharing the funny anecdotes and the toe dips into the dark pond of Alzheimer’s. Am I a glutton for punishment? Do I feel I deserve the torture? We Italian Catholics do tend to believe in the sanctity of suffering.

I don’t expect you to join me again on my journey. I’ve been too unreliable, too sporadic. It’s like promising you a cold drink after a long walk only to find the sack is bone dry.

Mom’s short term memory is almost non-existent now. Though Dan or I see her everyday, I am always greeted with a surprised, “Lisa!” like I’m the prodigal daughter, the long lost son. It breaks my heart every time, but the recovery period for me is shorter.

Yet, I still cry everyday. Every single day.

My therapist said I am experiencing anticipatory grief; I am feeling now the “death” of my mother. I am experiencing the same for her sister, my Aunt Connie, whom I’ve written about. Auntie is worse and in a home as well.

I wish this disease would deal a swift blow and not this slow Chinese water torture. I am a “rip the band aid off” type of girl.

But alas, I wish for the unchangeable. And so here I am. Back again.

9 comments:

  1. Welcome back. I've missed you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautifully written Lisa. Big hugs from me!!! Thank you for sharing this journey, because I always worry that I will travel this road with my Mom as well.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Finally you are back .... So very much missed you .... I so need to read your blogs .. helped me to better deal and cope with my pain.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Tami, thanks.

    Maryellen, I will help you through the journey if you ever, heaven forbid, need to travel it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I've missed you Lisa! Glad you are back writing again!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Lisa,

    Welcome back. I will be here for you if you ever need a shoulder.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so glad you're back! I will read whatever you write; it doesn't matter if you're sporadic! I love your writing! I hear you about the slow Chinese water torture...in my own situation...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Welcome back. Share what you want to share. Keep what you don't. Either way, we'll be here.

    Helen
    Straight From Hel

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are right- you are mourning your mother in pieces. There can be nothing worse.
    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete